The Quest for King Greg

by The People's Bard

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about

The Quest for King Greg is a Choose Your Adventure-style album of songs. After most tracks, you will be asked to make a decision, which will determine which song you listen to next. Be careful, friends. Some decisions are better than others.

credits

released July 12, 2016

All songs were written and recorded by Kavalier Calm, The People's Bard, in his bedroom studio at the desk his great grandfather built. Pictures detailing the recording process can be found here: imgur.com/a/7GyEJ

The album art and other visuals were created by the ultra-talented Penny, /u/motivatinggiraffe. You can find more of Penny's work here: motivatinggiraffe.com

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about

The People's Bard Washington, D.C.

The People's Bard travels the internet looking for stories worth retelling in song. You'll most likely find him singing for strangers on reddit or YouTube.

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Track Name: Beginnings
You wake to the sound of a creaking door.
*Creak!*
You open your eyes and see a figure at the foot of the bed.

There's no time to fear, no time to worry,
my friend, you see, we truly must hurry.
The king needs a hero, and the king chose you.
There's no time to pause, just time to do.

So climb on your steed and take up your sword.
Come to the aid of our liege, our lord.

There's no time for questions, no time for doubt.
That bed looks warm, but you must get out.
These gifts I give were 'specially made:
the finest of stallions and a talking blade.
CHORUS

You're about to embark on an adventure to help King Gregory.
The first thing you must do is get to the castle and consult with the king.
The way can be dangerous, so you'll need to rely on your companions...
A pony with a limp and incredible courage,
and a pacifist sword with a sharp wit.

Peg-leg soars despite the limp in his walk,
Exsaladbar slashes despite his pacifist talk.
Take them and get to the castle with speed.
The king awaits to tell you his need.
CHORUS

There are two paths you can take to the castle.
To travel through The Desert of Snake-Eating Apes, listen to track 2.
To journey through The Jungle of Ape-Eating Snakes, listen to track 3.
Track Name: The Desert of Snake-Eating Apes
You ride through the desert on your horse, Peg-leg, limping your way to King Greg.
You ride through the desert of snake-eating apes, with nothing in sight but slithering shapes.

Exsaladbar wonders aloud about the name of this place.
You have not seen a single ape since you entered the desert,
but hundreds of slow, plump snakes slither about,
easy prey ripe for the picking.

You ride through the desert of snake-eating apes, with nothing in sight but slithering shapes.
You ride through the desert of absent primates. Where have they gone? What was their fate?

Suddenly, you hear the sound of chest thumping and howls.
A group of apes in the distance are animated in anger.
As you draw close, you see why: quicksand.
Primate skeletons poke above the surface of the mud
while snakes glide across,
their light weight forms at no jeopardy of sinking.
At the edges of the pool, the cactus is so thick it is impassable.
The apes are trapped on the other side.

You ride through the desert of absent primates. Where have they gone? What was their fate?
You ride through the desert of quicksand lakes. The apes were doomed by what nature makes.

You come to the shore of the pool of quicksand.
It does not appear to be a great distance to the other side.
You ask Peg-leg if he can make the jump,
and he whinnies with confidence.
To travel around the pool would require carving through the dense cactus.
You ask Exsaladbar if he will help you slice a new path,
and he mumbles that he didn't go to graduate school to become a machete.
What do you do?

If you decide to jump over the quicksand with Peg-leg, listen to track 4.
If you decide to clear a new path with Exsaladbar, listen to track 5.
Track Name: The Jungle of Ape-Eating Snakes
Welcome to the jungle of ape-eating snakes!

All about you, amidst the dense jungle leaves and vines, are the flickering tongues of snakes.
Some of the creatures lie lazily in your path, their scaly bodies bloated by what you can only imagine is digesting ape.
Peg-leg steps over them gingerly as you proceed.

The thick tree tops fill the world with gloom;
the sunshine can't find any room...
in this place of vines and sssssnakes.

Suddenly, you feel the hair on your neck stand on end.
You have the distinct feeling that you're being followed.
You turn around to find the slow and slippery advance of hundreds of snakes.
They slide toward you in such numbers, you cannot see the jungle floor beneath the sea of scales.
In this moment you remember that apes are mankind's close relative. In genetics and probably in flavor.
You urge Peg-leg to gallop faster.

The air is thick with the smell of life;
take a slice with a butter knife...
but don't make any misssstakes.

Peg-leg comes to a halt and neighs in concern.
The jungle path has led to the edge of a steep ravine.
The cliff on the other side looks close, but you look down and feel dizzy; a fall would mean certain death.
You look behind you and again see the advancing snakes, now numbering in the thousands.
To your left you see a potential path down the ravine's slope, but you would need to slice through the dense vines and lead Peg-leg by the reins.
You ask Peg-leg if he can make the jump, and he whinnies with confidence...
You ask Exsaladbar if he will help you carve a path through the vines, and he says that vegetarians never miss a chance to eat jungle greens.

What do you do? If you decide to jump the ravine with Peg-leg, listen to track 5.
If you decide to clear a new path with Exsaladbar, listen to track 6.
Track Name: Sinking Feeling
Oh, I've got a sinking feeling.
Oh, I'm going down.
I asked a lame horse to leap quicksand,
and now I won't save the crown.

I'm sorry, but you have died.
You can return to a previous track or you can give up.
You don't seem like the type who gives up to me. Am I right?
Track Name: A Deadly Choice
The first leg of your journey is now complete. You ride through green pastures, soaking up the warm sunlight.
Exsaladbar whistles joyfully and Peg-leg gallops with the playful spirit of a young colt.
Eventually you see the winding shape of the Revir River, and a lone bridge spanning its waters.
As you approach the bridge, a figure appears from the shade beneath it and blocks your path.
You assume the bridge's owner wants to collect a toll for its use,
but as you draw closer you see that the man is a jester, lazily holding a shovel over his shoulder.

I look like a jester, but a jest this is not.
(If you want) to cross this bridge and continue your plot,
you must solve my riddle, my arithmetic game,
or you'll die before you get to Greg! (...you meet the Greg of fame.)

If I have two apples, then I give you one,
then you give it back, then I find a new one,
then I give Peg-leg two, which he promptly eats,
then I pick three more off the tree,
then Exsaladbar asks to eat half,
then I throw two in the trash,
then how many remain, hero?
One or zero?

I look like a clown, but this smile is paint.
I'll use this shovel to dig your grave.
You must answer right, you must count true,
or you'll die before the king meets you!
CHORUS
Yes, our fun is done.
Zero or one?

If your answer to the jester's riddle is "zero", listen to track 7.
If your answer to the jester's riddle is "one", listen to track 8.
Track Name: Exit From The Jungle
Welcome to the jungle. You've been eaten by a snake.
It turns out some of those vines were fake.
Exsaladbar screamed when he saw them alive:
"I will not cut a creature and see it die!"
So you've been swallowed, you've been devoured,
like an ape...

I'm sorry, but you have died.
You can return to a previous track or you can give up.
You don't seem like the type who gives up to me. Am I right?
Track Name: Zero
The jester lets you pass after solving his riddle. Peg-leg carries you over the Revir River, and after a short distance
you find yourself on the outskirts of the town of Zero. Village people glance up from their farm work as you pass;
some children point in awe at Exsaladbar...others point at you and smile as they rub their bellies.
On a hill overlooking Zero you see King Gregory's castle.
You're almost there.

As you reach the town center, a merchant steps in your path to inquire about your journey.
You explain that this is your first time in Zero,
and you need an escort to the castle. Peg-leg neighs nervously,
and you realize you've been surrounded by dozens of townsfolk,
who eagerly pet Peg-leg and, strangely, pet you.

We're a lovely lot. We all get along.
We don't eat flesh. This is our song.
Welcome, hero. Zero welcomes you.
The cannibalism rumors are untrue.

Ignore the claims, all so cruel.
We have a well, we have a school.
We have a church, we have a steeple,
And we never, ever, ever eat people.

We're a friendly bunch. Strangers like it here.
We don't drink blood; forget your fear.
Welcome, hero. Zero welcomes you.
The cannibalism rumors are untrue.

A particularly round merchant steps forward and offers to escort you to the castle,
claiming he has business with the king later that day. The village people cheer at his generosity.
Then a sour, cranky voice cuts through the crowd, exclaiming you're better off going with him.
You look down and see an old dirty fish monger. "I'm taking fish to the king's cook later today."
Exsaladbar whispers he's more willing to trust a pescatarian than a fat merchant.

To journey with the rich merchant to the castle, listen to track 9.
To journey with the fish monger, listen to track 10.
Track Name: One
One is the lonelist number that you'll ever do.
Six can be as bad as one when you're six feet under...
ground.


I'm sorry, but you have died.
You can return to a previous track or you can give up.
You don't seem like the type who gives up to me. Am I right?
Track Name: The Ritzy Way
Is this real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught by a merchant
who is a bit pudgy.
Open your eyes,
look at his thighs and see!
He's just a rich boy, food comes so easy.
Oh, it's double fried, gravy flow,
human tongue, human toe,
any man you cook slow, makes him really want to eat,
to eat.

I'm sorry, but you have died.
You can return to a previous track or you can give up.
You don't seem like the type who gives up to me. Am I right?
Track Name: The Fishy Way
The grumpy old fish monger was a man of his word.
"Who you callin' grumpy?"
Despite the stink in his soiled clothes, he is permitted into the royal kitchen.
"Oh, you handle fish all day and see if you smell like roses."

The cook shakes your hand and says the king has been eagerly awaiting your arrival.
He'll take you to see him right away.

Go on, listen to track 11.
Track Name: King Greg
You enter the throne room and see King Greg smiling under his crown.
To his right stands the cloaked figure who woke you from your dreams and started this whole adventure.
You open your mouth to speak, but the King holds up his hand and speaks first:

Hero, before you ask what I need
of you, your sword, and your steed.

You came to the aid of your leige, your lord,
when he was feeling bored.
Don't be mad. So were you.
Adventures aren't dreams; they're what we do.

Yes, my need for you is through.
My spy here was always watching you.
CHORUS

I risked your neck, put you in danger's way,
just to watch you journey, watch you play.
CHORUS